he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
