i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
