Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
