Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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