So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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