Cold hands, warm shart.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
