I didn't shave. On purpose
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
