Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
