Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
