I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
