I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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