you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Liz is crying about burritos again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
