I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
