He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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