Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.