I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.