I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
