what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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