I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
where are you?
Hypothermia
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
