all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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