One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
