I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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