My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you had me at cake vodka
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
