I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
