I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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