the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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