The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
