I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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