i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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