i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
