I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
