when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
