I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
