I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
