You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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