woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
