If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
