when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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