Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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