There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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