Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
