made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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