i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
