He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
