let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
