and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
