Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
