I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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