i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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