i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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