Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
