Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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