thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
