"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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