The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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