In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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