I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
